Thursday, May 28, 2009

Um....Didn't i used to have something here?

First i would like to apologize for my blog being neglected for so many days. I have been busy with mets baseball games, playing punch out, and generally just wasting my free time any which way i could come up with. That being said allow me to tell you about an event that will take place tomorrow morning.

Danilo, my son, will be getting fixed. First of all it shouldn't be called getting Fixed at all. Since they are actually removing something I'd like to suggest a new name for it. Danilo will be getting Dag Sliced. Now i've used this term for many other things but its much more appropriate in this arena so BOOM! Dag Sliced it is.

As i sit here i can't help but wonder what Danilo is going to think after he has his Man Items taken away from him. Will he think...."Man i'm hurtin. I feel like i'm missing something" or will he be thinking...."Sons of Bitches Drugged me and cut my items off!" Either way he's gotta know something is different tomorrow as he goes to lick something that's no longer available for cleansing.

Right now Danilo is Playing with his toys and watching some playoff basketball with me. Since he can't understand english (yet) i can't even let him know how tomorrow is going to be the worst day of his life. Instead he'll continue to carry on all evening playing with toys and attacking my feet until we wake up tomorrow and take a trip to the SPCA where he has to assume he is being punished for scratching my ankle or something. I read online that sometimes Kittens Personality's change when they have this procedure done. Yeah? No shit! In his little Kitten Brain he thinks punishment for waking a human up in the middle of the night is Having your balls snipped off.

I wonder if that kind of "punishment" would work for murderers and sex offenders. Commit a crime? Lose a body part. I'm starting to think that Alladin deserved to lose his hand when he stole that bread. He'd probably get a job then.

Good luck Danilo!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Day the Earth Stood Still.

I awoke last saturday morning with a little extra hop in my step. Cousin MVP was getting married. Now if you don't know this man then let me give you a little background info.

1. He likes the Mets
2. He likes his Wine
3. He once emerged from a firework induced Cloud of Smoke with two fists full of booze bottles which caused a 4th of july party full of guests to chant his name.
4. He's a living Legend - read above
5. He's Never been married.

Let's be honest. MVP is in his 50's and although we all hoped he would one day find true love and get married, most of us never expected it to actually happen.

A few hours later after suffering from poor parental driving and some rediculous conversation topics we arrived in Brooklyn, NY. After celebrating My Nephews 3rd Birthday with some delightful cupcakes it was time to get so fresh (and so clean ... clean). I got in my suit which of course i love doing and was on my way to the church where i was greeted outside by a man i haven't talked to in 5 years....wearing a sweatsuit none the less. Ahhhhh yes the circus had begun i thought. Surprisingly though everything went as planned and after happily reconciling with my godmother and some priest mumbo jumbo MVP DID IT! He got married. It was wonderful. We then drove around brooklyn a little bit following the Grooms Parents as they took what must of been the longest way possible to arrive at our reception destination. The rest of the night was also great. Drinks, Dancing, Food, Family, Friends, and Most importantly of course..... watching my niece (the flower girl) and her brother practically steal the show as usual.

These are the things that make life worth living. When I'm old and on my death bed all that will matter will be my memories and last saturday we made a few good ones.


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

What do Citi Field and my Colonoscopy have in common?

So monday night i was lucky enough to score a ticket to go to citi field. Fast forward to the stadium where i drank a few beers in the parking lot which cost 18 dollars to park. We then approached the stadium and i looked up with amazement at how shea stadium was no longer in this site and this new stadium was standing there in its place. We walked into the stadium and the next logical thing to do was to get another beer.

Did we select Bud, Bud light or Brooklyn Lager like at Shea?

Nope none of the above. Instead there was a beer hut that had 20+ different brands. It was amazing. I chose hoegaarden and was on my way.

We didn't go to our seats til like the 6th inning. There was no need. You could watch from anywhere seeing as there was picnic tables and cup (beer) holders everywhere so we watched from a few different locations. It was an amazing evening at a wonderful place.

The dagger however occurred when the mets lost the game. Obviously this only happened because me and Danilo didn't watch the game together. Last night we did and the Mets won again so it must be a good luck family combo.

In other news... Tomorrow i get my first colonoscopy. I am dreading tonight more than anything else though. I have to take laxatives and what not all night to clean my body out before they go ron jeremy to jenna jameson on my butt hole tomorrow with cameras. I'm pretty sure i'm gonna be ok and it was a fluke thing that occurred but you can never be too safe. Wish me luck as tomorrow morning a camera will boldly go where no camera has gone before.....

My anus.

So what does citi field and my colonoscopy have in common? Not a damn thing.... and i wanna keep it that way.


Sunday, May 10, 2009

Danilo Braden..... "I am your fatherrrrrrrrr"

So I'm a single guy who lives alone. I have no girlfriend to spend money or time on so i found myself increasingly bored and alone. I obviously did the most logical thing i could.

No! not pleasure myself. (although.......)

I adopted a kitten from the humane society. His name was Vinny and he was instantly a member of the family. Well i had Vinny for a couple days and he got sick....very sick.
The Vet. Gave me antibiotics to give him but after only a few hours on that 3rd day i had him he died in front of me in my living room. Vinny was my first pet ever since my dad is horribly allergic to pet dander. I always told myself that when i got out on my own I'd get myself an animal. Never did i think this kind of thing would happen right away. I was mortified. Not sure when the last time you saw a 24 year old "man" break down into tears but there i was totally in shock at what i just witnessed on my chair. RIP Vinny.

.... A week later i felt i was ready to try adoption again. I still had a lot of love to give to a feline compatriot so there i was back at the humane society. This time i picked out a little scaredy kitten who was all black except for a few white patches on his underside. I named him Danilo. I never really liked black cats but i always remember my dad telling me how he thought they were good luck to him. Obviously this is against the traditional idea of black cats but if you know my dad, then you know he isn't a man who lives by the book. Anyways, i felt like i needed all the luck i could get, so after the kitten warmed up to me a bit, I indeed chose him. Couldn't be happier that i did. I've had him for a week now, and except for a little diahrea he's had no problems at all. I pretty much let him do whatever he wants seeing as i wouldn't want anyone telling me what to do and slowly this aparment has become his. I'm just a guest. He comes and goes in whatever room as he pleases, claws on the all the furniture, meows until he gets a little bit of my food (probably the cause of his minor diahrea), and keeps me awake at night if he's not ready to fall asleep eventually wrapped around my head.

So its no surprise to any of my friends and family reading this that i've had kind of a rough year since last summer. I've tried to be all sunshine and rainbows as much as i could . I can honestly say that since i welcomed something as simple as a Kitten named Danilo into my life i've become much happier. Maybe its cause i have someone else to worry about except me. Oh and most important.... Since me and Danilo started watching the mets together last week....they have won 7 in a row!

Maybe my dad isn't crazy after all.......

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Dr. No

Daily Dag Slice: So as we get older our bodies begin to wear down. I see this type of thing happening to all my friends. Knees, shoulders, wrists, backs, Huge Lumps on legs that don't disappear for weeks after a 720 gone bad.

For me it's different. I'm a thin, flexible, in shape dude. Rarely do aches and pains attack for longer then a day or night at a time. You see, my problem is my Inner Organs. My Digestive system is about as reliable as having Billy Joel being your designated driver.

Saturday night i go with the boys to eat some pizza hut and check out the new wolverine flick. (wasn't a fan)
Lets be honest...Pizza Hut gives humans diarrhea. Its Science. So i was not alarmed at all when with 20 minutes left of X-men Origins i had to eliminate waste. Nothing was particularly alarming about my visit to the men's room in a Catskill movie theatre except that i almost passed out from the intense bathroom call (lots of sweat and toilet paper involved). Well i missed the end of the movie and went home still feeling a little under the weather. I then proceeded to have the real scare. I crapped blood. Yup pretty gross i know. This went on til the next day so i went to a clinic only to spend my Sunday feeling kinda weird after the doctor inserted an array of fingers deeply into my rectum. What did he say caused this episode of bleeding? You guessed it. My man had NO answers.

So today at 1:30 i have an appointment to see a Gastroenterologist. This is a dude who looks at my digestive system specifically. I'm hoping he tells me it was just a busted hemorrhoid in my ass but who knows. Anyway, one thing is certain..... I will most likely be feeling the cold finger of injustice once again thrusted up my backside. Dagger.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Tomorrow Tomorrow. You're only a bad night of sleep awayyyy

So its about 10:30 pm right now and i just watched the second to last episode of Lost for this season.
i gotta say. some stuff is starting to come together except i still don't understand 90% of the stuff i am watching. Its actually annoying to try to sleep directly after an episode of lost cause my melon is going in upwards to 100 different directions. Being a heterosexual man i also find it hard to fall asleep after the erection causing Evangeline Lilly is on the screen for 40+ minutes.

Personally I wouldn't mind being on an island traveling through time getting into all kinds of trouble. Where the hell do i sign up for stuff like this?

Well reading that was probably a waste of time so click on the link below to see the making of David Bowie's Super Penis from Labrynth. That should be just what you need before a good nights rest.

Good Afternoon....or is it?

Hello all! So Let me first start by saying that i am no accomplished writer. I do however type exaclty how i would talk which i think can make my writing style at least somewhat enjoyable.

A Dagger is a term i picked up that describes an obstacle or situation thrown into your life that reminds you that you are indeed a human being living life.

Going to work and your boss yelling at you? Dagger!
Spilling Kitty Litter in the hallway when you aren't supposed to have a cat? Dagger!
Boozing til 4:00 am and pissing your pants at your friends house only to have to put 5 dollars in his piss fund....

....Ultimate Dagger.

On a daily basis we all go about living our lives and funny and random things may happen. Me being in my Mid 20's am going through what i like to call "A quarter life Crisis"

Because of this i think every day feels like an adventure. I know most of you can/will relate to all of this so please enjoy!