One Dagger at a Time

Weekend.....at Bernies?

2010-01-28T15:35:00.002-05:00

Ok, so i know i haven't been around in awhile.....

I think my life had just hit a wall of old man-ness. I worked, played video games, watched football, and hung out with my best mate Danilo (The Cat). I've tried to quit drinking for good about 4 times since October and i've had mild success. Not because i was/am an alcoholic but because i'm in my mid 20's and getting shitfaced at the local watering hole til 4 AM no longer appeals to me. Less drinking, naturally = Less stories.

I mention this because this past weekend i shook things up a bit. One of my best friend's brother had his bachelor party. We rented a nice house right on the side of a ski resort. Pool table (didn't use it), dart board (didn't use it), even beds (i didn't use one of those either). We did however Have a beer pong table (which i used to the max). Lets not get ahead of ourselves though.

So i woke up Saturday morning (the day of the event) and waited for my friends to arrive so we could embark on our journey up the mountain. We got up their and were impressed by our "Pad" for the evening but that wasn't going to stop us die hard skiers and riders from spending the day cruising down snowy hills. So we spent the whole day doing our thing except for a brief intermission where we ate hamburgers and had a couple (teddy) brewskis. It was here where the lovely bartender (a friend of mine from my younger days) informed me to come back at 4:00 because of 3 dollar beers and jagermeister shots. Did she say Jager? Yeah she did. I made the rest of the crew aware and it was now our mission to finish the day on the mountain and then get so fresh and so clean (clean) so we could head on down to the mountain bar. It wasn't any more than 15 minutes into the bar visit that i had devoured 2 beers and 3 shots of the cough syrup. Ah yes that drunk feeling hit where i was an unstoppable force of comedy and sharp looks. We happily waited (drank) until my cousin was off of work to give us a ride to another bar while most of the other guys went back to the place. Afterall, we were the youngest of the bunch and we have made a career out of being drunk and making moves. We arrived at the Brew Pub at............shit....no clue what time. ...but i was hungry. My first move however was to take a wiz. While in the restroom i apparently took a photo of the beer cans on the wall (which i saw on my phone the following morning) and then i walked back out to find a delicious brew waiting for me on the bar counter. Only this was not a delightful blonde ale as i so foolishly assumed, it was a cider. "Dude, I'm not drinking this shit" came out of my mouth and i proceed to grab a beer and a quesadilla for good measure. I was indeed hungry as i told you before. I even knew the chef from highschool and complemented him on his fine dish.

A couple hours apparently went by and my bartender friend from earlier came in and had her Boyfriend drive us to out destination. Wonderful how things work out huh? We walk into the establishment and after me and my polish friend destroy a few compatriots in beer pong we hear the word "strippers" in the background. So of course it was time to Pony in for money and get some naked chicks to the rented condo. An hour or so goes by and 2 sexy women walk into the living room and proceed to "get down with the get down". not only did we get some dancing but we got lap dances, belt whips, and even a small lesbian sex show which i so enjoyed. One man even enjoyed Hot wings while getting his lapdance (no name will be given, but cross that off your bucket list my friend)

...So i drink some more beer and probably some hard booze thrown in cause next thing I know I puke into the kitchen sink a little. By a little.....i mean alot. It was most certainly shower time at 3 AM. Sometime later I wake up in a little naked ball in the shower to my buddy laughing. All i could say was "Dude, wtf, i'm naked in the shower".

At least i was clean. I then found a comfy spot to sleep (the closet) . Needless to say i woke up a few hours later still drunk, with limited clothing on, and wretched morning breath.

Thanks for reading.

Your welcome.

Insert Opening Credits from Star Wars Here.....

2010-01-26T13:32:00.002-05:00

....Cause we'll be back soon.

I wasn't allowed to embed it but just go watch....

2009-10-02T16:49:00.000-04:00

..and be taken back to a better time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--ZTrKPFwJc&feature=related

When is he gonna cry for trent??? C'mon TO! WHERE IS THE PASSION!!!??

2009-09-29T16:29:00.000-04:00

Enough said....

2009-09-25T13:16:00.001-04:00

Daily Dagger - Tuesday september 15th 2009

2009-09-15T11:49:00.001-04:00

I'm a Bills Fan. I'm less than thrilled. Watch the clip below and feel my dag variety of pain.

Clearly i have nothing else to blog about.

Here's your breakfast son.... With a side of Acid.

2009-08-28T11:50:00.005-04:00

So as kids we all watched some pretty cool cartoons right?

TMNT
Ghost Busters
HE MAN
G.I. Joe
Transformers
Disney Movies of course and....
Bobby's World (yeah! Bobby's World was FRESH!)

As a kid my mother worked in a video store so i had access to watch any cartoons my little heart desired. Naturally, being a twisted little man, i selected some (should be) classics such as these below (trust me. take 5 minutes and watch some bits of these):

1. Droopy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Q84oP5JilU&feature=related

I enjoyed Droopy so much he made me forget about the fact that i didn't have a real dog. Droopy the dog is my inspiration for feeling like a completely depressed loser some days. THANKS DROOPY! and THANKS MOM!

2. The Fantasic Adventures of Unico.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U8XW-OhDHA&feature=related

Yes i watched this film in its entirety constantly. I beg you to please watch it before allowing your kids to be totally frightened by the final quarter of this film. One of the greatest films ever made.

3. Super Ted

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZg74STOfig

Spotty man? Cosmic Dust? Magic Cloud? A frikkin bear that rips off his soft cuddly fur to reveal a super hero costume with.....MORE SOFT CUDDLY FUR UNDERNEATH IT!! What?

Thanks for wasting some time with me. Cartoon nowadays just don't get it. We don't want to learn when we watch cartoons as kids!!! We want to be influenced to drink and do drugs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBzJGckMYO4

I DO NOT PROMOTE UNDERAGE DRINKING AND DRUG USE! THANK YOU.

Purple Haze ..... All Around.

2009-08-25T09:21:00.002-04:00

Since July 8th I have unfortunately been missing in action. Was i on a twisted drug binge? Nope. Was a serious bout with illness the cause? Nope. Was I having premarital relations with a plethora of swell looking German Femme Fatales? Absolutely not. I was just being downright lazy.

It's not as if I haven't done anything in this time. As a matter of fact its quite the contrary.

1. Had a huge blowout with my parents. (no worries. we're cool)

2. Went to Buffalo for preseason football. This served as an amazing warm up to the regular season. I also got to see some friends from college.

3. Went to Saratoga Raceway to visit some other college friends. This one ended with me being brought home in a Cop Car. What a nice female officer.

4. Went to visit a friend in Jersey. Had an excellent time. May have drank too many beers one night which could of caused a setback in my brain recovery program. Inglorious Basterds was a super solid flick. (no i wasn't hammered for the film)

5. I almost got myself into a relationship. I let that one figure itself out in my normal fashion. Ignore the situation completely when i didn't know what to do.

That's just a few of many things that have gone down in the time away from blogging. Anyway i am back now I think, for a little while anyways, ready to share the constant strangeness that is my life of daggers.

More than meets the Eye!

2009-07-08T09:50:00.002-04:00

Last Friday i went to go see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen with a group of friends.

After reading terrible reviews and hearing mostly tales of disgust for the film, I wasn't expecting much. I was actually hoping it was terrible so I could bash my friend (the Polish one) for once again saying he enjoyed a crappy movie.

Instead I was pleasently surprised when i started to laugh out loud and clap at some of the most ridiculous things my eyes have ever witnessed. The movie of course plays as a 2.5 hour, super expensive, commercial for GM vehicles which kind of annoys me but it is what it is.

Tyrese Gibson in one of his many classic lines says "We shed Blood, Sweat, and Precious Metals Together." I laughed uncontrollably and from this point forward i completely shut my brain off and prepared myself for the remainder of what would surely be a comic feast of the senses.

Honestly I'm not sure what critics expected from a Transformers movie but I personally got exactly what I went for. The special effects were second to none, the women were beautiful, and my candy tasted awesome. The only thing a movie HAS to do is entertain the people who spend a few bucks to go see it. Nothing more, nothing less. Would i put it in my top 10 movies of all time? Absolutely not. Not even close. Would i watch it every single time i flipped to it half way through on FX. You Betcha!

Turn off your Brain, turn on your eyes and ears, and enjoy it for what it is.

Fact: Humans are Terrible.

2009-06-30T10:04:00.002-04:00

The other day I was at my brothers (as i normally am to enjoy a free meal with him and his family) and my Sister in Law asks me to name ONE pet peeve. I couldn't do it. I felt too much pressure and said that i would come back at a later date with a long list of things i hate about other humans. So i was reading her blog this morning and it inspired me to take a 10 minute break from work and take care of business.

My Pet Peeves: in no particular order.

1. When people slurp fruit loud (my brother and his watermelon eating would be an example lol)

2. When people complain out loud in a doctors office or traffic jam about how ridiculous sitting idol is. (Where is the fire lady? We are all waiting and that person is most certainly not more important then me.)

3. Women blaming "crankyness" on period (It's not an excuse to be a total bitch....end of story)

4. Toll people who refuse to say "hello" or "your welcome." (No one is making you sit in a booth all day collecting change. i am actually doing YOU a favor by not getting e-z pass. Would you rather we all do that and you be unemployed? yeah i thought so.)

5. That Dude in the bar who spent an hour getting ready and refuses to smile or have fun (Hey buddy my guess is you worked or went to class all week, stop being a total toolbag and let loose, you deserve it bud. Also....you see this? yeah it's called having fun and not giving a shit what anyone thinks. (A.) you're a loser (B.) I'm having more fun then you. (C.) When you wake up in the morning, make sure to tell your friends and family how you........did absolutely nothing different or exciting this weekend than last weekend....interesting.)

6. Miley Cyrus (Your voice is annoying....and honestly....you're ugly)

7. People with food stuck in teeth. (listen, not saying your teeth have to be super white, just make sure you ask your compatriot standing next to you if you still got some broccoli wedged somewhere between your chompers.)

I think that should get you all started on commenting. I'm sure i have many others and i fully intend on venting about those also when they come to me.

If i have described you in any of these confessions.....I'm sorry....actually no I'm not....Dagger!

Back From The Dead.

2009-06-16T09:30:00.003-04:00

Hello all! So things have been a little nutty in my life the last couple weeks. Work has caused much stress and the weekends have brought upon only small quantities of sleep. Combine these two things and you will clearly see that I have failed to entertain you with stories of Daggers and Good times on my blog.

2 weekends ago I went to see NIN and Janes Addiction down in NJ. I have been to many concerts in my day so saying this was the best show I've ever seen clearly daggers the likes of:

Billy Joel
Elton John
Bruce Springsteen
Eric Clapton
Metallica
Kiss
Motley Crue
Korn
Slipknot
System of a down
Fall out Boy
Cake
and a wide array of other bands of less than or equal to status.

But it was indeed the best show. Maybe it was the beers? Maybe it was the fact that i wasn't crowded cause on either side of me and my friend we had a couple cute small chicks? Maybe it was just the fact that Trent Reznor seemed to pull his setlist from my brain? Pretty much every song i wanted to hear got played. Heres a couple clips from the NIN part of the show.

What was even more amazing was the fact that Janes Addiction played next and Dave Navarro Absolutely melted my face to nothing but a fine messy paste. Throw in the fact that Perry Ferrel is the most entertaining front man i've seen in a while and you have this below:

All in all it was an amazing show and i felt the need to share this with you. Thanks for wasting some time with me!

I'll be back with more soon.

Um....Didn't i used to have something here?

2009-05-28T22:31:00.003-04:00

First i would like to apologize for my blog being neglected for so many days. I have been busy with mets baseball games, playing punch out, and generally just wasting my free time any which way i could come up with. That being said allow me to tell you about an event that will take place tomorrow morning.

Danilo, my son, will be getting fixed. First of all it shouldn't be called getting Fixed at all. Since they are actually removing something I'd like to suggest a new name for it. Danilo will be getting Dag Sliced. Now i've used this term for many other things but its much more appropriate in this arena so BOOM! Dag Sliced it is.

As i sit here i can't help but wonder what Danilo is going to think after he has his Man Items taken away from him. Will he think...."Man i'm hurtin. I feel like i'm missing something" or will he be thinking...."Sons of Bitches Drugged me and cut my items off!" Either way he's gotta know something is different tomorrow as he goes to lick something that's no longer available for cleansing.

Right now Danilo is Playing with his toys and watching some playoff basketball with me. Since he can't understand english (yet) i can't even let him know how tomorrow is going to be the worst day of his life. Instead he'll continue to carry on all evening playing with toys and attacking my feet until we wake up tomorrow and take a trip to the SPCA where he has to assume he is being punished for scratching my ankle or something. I read online that sometimes Kittens Personality's change when they have this procedure done. Yeah? No shit! In his little Kitten Brain he thinks punishment for waking a human up in the middle of the night is Having your balls snipped off.

I wonder if that kind of "punishment" would work for murderers and sex offenders. Commit a crime? Lose a body part. I'm starting to think that Alladin deserved to lose his hand when he stole that bread. He'd probably get a job then.

Good luck Danilo!

The Day the Earth Stood Still.

2009-05-19T11:08:00.003-04:00

I awoke last saturday morning with a little extra hop in my step. Cousin MVP was getting married. Now if you don't know this man then let me give you a little background info.

1. He likes the Mets
2. He likes his Wine
3. He once emerged from a firework induced Cloud of Smoke with two fists full of booze bottles which caused a 4th of july party full of guests to chant his name.
4. He's a living Legend - read above
5. He's Never been married.

Let's be honest. MVP is in his 50's and although we all hoped he would one day find true love and get married, most of us never expected it to actually happen.

A few hours later after suffering from poor parental driving and some rediculous conversation topics we arrived in Brooklyn, NY. After celebrating My Nephews 3rd Birthday with some delightful cupcakes it was time to get so fresh (and so clean ... clean). I got in my suit which of course i love doing and was on my way to the church where i was greeted outside by a man i haven't talked to in 5 years....wearing a sweatsuit none the less. Ahhhhh yes the circus had begun i thought. Surprisingly though everything went as planned and after happily reconciling with my godmother and some priest mumbo jumbo MVP DID IT! He got married. It was wonderful. We then drove around brooklyn a little bit following the Grooms Parents as they took what must of been the longest way possible to arrive at our reception destination. The rest of the night was also great. Drinks, Dancing, Food, Family, Friends, and Most importantly of course..... watching my niece (the flower girl) and her brother practically steal the show as usual.

These are the things that make life worth living. When I'm old and on my death bed all that will matter will be my memories and last saturday we made a few good ones.

Fresh.

What do Citi Field and my Colonoscopy have in common?

2009-05-13T10:11:00.006-04:00

So monday night i was lucky enough to score a ticket to go to citi field. Fast forward to the stadium where i drank a few beers in the parking lot which cost 18 dollars to park. We then approached the stadium and i looked up with amazement at how shea stadium was no longer in this site and this new stadium was standing there in its place. We walked into the stadium and the next logical thing to do was to get another beer.

Did we select Bud, Bud light or Brooklyn Lager like at Shea?

Nope none of the above. Instead there was a beer hut that had 20+ different brands. It was amazing. I chose hoegaarden and was on my way.

We didn't go to our seats til like the 6th inning. There was no need. You could watch from anywhere seeing as there was picnic tables and cup (beer) holders everywhere so we watched from a few different locations. It was an amazing evening at a wonderful place.

The dagger however occurred when the mets lost the game. Obviously this only happened because me and Danilo didn't watch the game together. Last night we did and the Mets won again so it must be a good luck family combo.

In other news... Tomorrow i get my first colonoscopy. I am dreading tonight more than anything else though. I have to take laxatives and what not all night to clean my body out before they go ron jeremy to jenna jameson on my butt hole tomorrow with cameras. I'm pretty sure i'm gonna be ok and it was a fluke thing that occurred but you can never be too safe. Wish me luck as tomorrow morning a camera will boldly go where no camera has gone before.....

My anus.

So what does citi field and my colonoscopy have in common? Not a damn thing.... and i wanna keep it that way.

Braden.....Out!

Danilo Braden..... "I am your fatherrrrrrrrr"

2009-05-10T21:51:00.005-04:00

So I'm a single guy who lives alone. I have no girlfriend to spend money or time on so i found myself increasingly bored and alone. I obviously did the most logical thing i could.

No! not pleasure myself. (although.......)

I adopted a kitten from the humane society. His name was Vinny and he was instantly a member of the family. Well i had Vinny for a couple days and he got sick....very sick.
The Vet. Gave me antibiotics to give him but after only a few hours on that 3rd day i had him he died in front of me in my living room. Vinny was my first pet ever since my dad is horribly allergic to pet dander. I always told myself that when i got out on my own I'd get myself an animal. Never did i think this kind of thing would happen right away. I was mortified. Not sure when the last time you saw a 24 year old "man" break down into tears but there i was totally in shock at what i just witnessed on my chair. RIP Vinny.

.... A week later i felt i was ready to try adoption again. I still had a lot of love to give to a feline compatriot so there i was back at the humane society. This time i picked out a little scaredy kitten who was all black except for a few white patches on his underside. I named him Danilo. I never really liked black cats but i always remember my dad telling me how he thought they were good luck to him. Obviously this is against the traditional idea of black cats but if you know my dad, then you know he isn't a man who lives by the book. Anyways, i felt like i needed all the luck i could get, so after the kitten warmed up to me a bit, I indeed chose him. Couldn't be happier that i did. I've had him for a week now, and except for a little diahrea he's had no problems at all. I pretty much let him do whatever he wants seeing as i wouldn't want anyone telling me what to do and slowly this aparment has become his. I'm just a guest. He comes and goes in whatever room as he pleases, claws on the all the furniture, meows until he gets a little bit of my food (probably the cause of his minor diahrea), and keeps me awake at night if he's not ready to fall asleep eventually wrapped around my head.

So its no surprise to any of my friends and family reading this that i've had kind of a rough year since last summer. I've tried to be all sunshine and rainbows as much as i could . I can honestly say that since i welcomed something as simple as a Kitten named Danilo into my life i've become much happier. Maybe its cause i have someone else to worry about except me. Oh and most important.... Since me and Danilo started watching the mets together last week....they have won 7 in a row!

Maybe my dad isn't crazy after all.......

Dr. No

2009-05-07T10:46:00.003-04:00

Daily Dag Slice: So as we get older our bodies begin to wear down. I see this type of thing happening to all my friends. Knees, shoulders, wrists, backs, Huge Lumps on legs that don't disappear for weeks after a 720 gone bad.

For me it's different. I'm a thin, flexible, in shape dude. Rarely do aches and pains attack for longer then a day or night at a time. You see, my problem is my Inner Organs. My Digestive system is about as reliable as having Billy Joel being your designated driver.

Saturday night i go with the boys to eat some pizza hut and check out the new wolverine flick. (wasn't a fan)
Lets be honest...Pizza Hut gives humans diarrhea. Its Science. So i was not alarmed at all when with 20 minutes left of X-men Origins i had to eliminate waste. Nothing was particularly alarming about my visit to the men's room in a Catskill movie theatre except that i almost passed out from the intense bathroom call (lots of sweat and toilet paper involved). Well i missed the end of the movie and went home still feeling a little under the weather. I then proceeded to have the real scare. I crapped blood. Yup pretty gross i know. This went on til the next day so i went to a clinic only to spend my Sunday feeling kinda weird after the doctor inserted an array of fingers deeply into my rectum. What did he say caused this episode of bleeding? You guessed it. My man had NO answers.

So today at 1:30 i have an appointment to see a Gastroenterologist. This is a dude who looks at my digestive system specifically. I'm hoping he tells me it was just a busted hemorrhoid in my ass but who knows. Anyway, one thing is certain..... I will most likely be feeling the cold finger of injustice once again thrusted up my backside. Dagger.

Tomorrow Tomorrow. You're only a bad night of sleep awayyyy

2009-05-06T22:18:00.003-04:00

So its about 10:30 pm right now and i just watched the second to last episode of Lost for this season.
i gotta say. some stuff is starting to come together except i still don't understand 90% of the stuff i am watching. Its actually annoying to try to sleep directly after an episode of lost cause my melon is going in upwards to 100 different directions. Being a heterosexual man i also find it hard to fall asleep after the erection causing Evangeline Lilly is on the screen for 40+ minutes.

Personally I wouldn't mind being on an island traveling through time getting into all kinds of trouble. Where the hell do i sign up for stuff like this?

Well reading that was probably a waste of time so click on the link below to see the making of David Bowie's Super Penis from Labrynth. That should be just what you need before a good nights rest.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HgQaHlWyG4

Good Afternoon....or is it?

2009-05-06T15:31:00.000-04:00

Hello all! So Let me first start by saying that i am no accomplished writer. I do however type exaclty how i would talk which i think can make my writing style at least somewhat enjoyable.

A Dagger is a term i picked up that describes an obstacle or situation thrown into your life that reminds you that you are indeed a human being living life.

Going to work and your boss yelling at you? Dagger!
Spilling Kitty Litter in the hallway when you aren't supposed to have a cat? Dagger!
Boozing til 4:00 am and pissing your pants at your friends house only to have to put 5 dollars in his piss fund....

....Ultimate Dagger.

On a daily basis we all go about living our lives and funny and random things may happen. Me being in my Mid 20's am going through what i like to call "A quarter life Crisis"

Because of this i think every day feels like an adventure. I know most of you can/will relate to all of this so please enjoy!